Today with my inner child, as well as my adult self, I am ready to take a new step into the next chapter of my life. I am 57 years old and I have a brand new page to fill. Although I do not know what will come next, I am finally ready to still the waters within so that the void can be filled.
Twenty-nine years ago, I woke up and realized that the path I was on was not taking me where I wanted to go. I had a toddler to protect and raise. I was now a mother. For the next several years as a young adult, I tried to follow my mom and dad's way of living while adding only a few new things I was learning along the way. The pressure to please others let me stifled and trapped within the walls I had built to protect myself. These walls were now becoming my prison not my protection.
Finally nine years later I realized I needed to take another independent step towards my own truth and path. This is when I met a soul friend who was the perfect reflection for me to see the lost parts I needed to reclaim and the outgrown things in my life I needed to let go. Together we peeled back layers upon layers of our own old wounds and old outgrown patterns. As we dove down into the shadows of our past we got closer and closer to our true and pure essence within. But the torrent winds of change drudge up old fears of abandonment. These fears dug their claws in. The rebellion got louder and louder the closer we got within. Finally we found our very wounded inner child who was scared and alone. What to do now? That was the haunting question.
Two years ago, I moved away from all that I knew. I left behind: my hometown, my adult home of twenty-six years, my parents who pushed me away, my role of motherhood and being the matriarch who cleaned out all the emotional garbage for our family and restored the peace, my artistic voice, and the building of a small art partnership with my oldest daughter as well as the role of a teacher for my youngest daughter. My house was a bustle of energy. Everyone was at home 24/7, including my husband, until one day I woke up and looked around, nothing was the same. There was a deafening silence and heaviness but mostly there was an emptiness and void.
So I did the only thing I could do, I let the unthawing begin and I allowed the tears to flow. Everyday the rainstorm came flooding down. But every day I picked myself up after the storm had settled and walked toward the sunshine. The rainbows didn't come but I became more peaceful with the storms. I listened to the stillness in between storms. I stared into the bone chilling reflections of the mirror and found lost parts within myself.
Finally a small frightened and lost child within began to quietly speak to me. She was cold and lonely. I had left this fragmented part of my inner child alone long ago so that I could take care of the needs of my mother, a role reversal so to speak. I left a part of my inner child in the cold in order to survive in a fractured home. Frozen and trapped in a cage within my heart this inner child held my hopes and dreams. She also held my self-love and self-belief. Patiently waiting within for the day I would become strong enough to find her and free her from the cold isolation of abandonment. Finally she could cry out to be heard and finally I could hear her.
Today I can hear her loud and clearly. As I rebuild my trust with her I know she will guide me to the next step for she holds the keys to unlock doors I have yet to step in.
Can you hear your inner child?